Just a mention of your name

So...last night's dream. DO. NOT. LIKE.

It started out that I was the sole woman with all these older (60-70 yo) guys. There were 2 other girls but they were more busy with one upping each other. They were suspected to have caused this explosion at this really nice house that was on a cliff that had a beautiful view of the ocean. Somehow I was out walking the beach when the explosion happened and I was helping people get settled and to safety. I had to get back to the apartment I was at with these older guys.

On the way back, this cute pier worker (I'm assuming he was a pier worker because he had on a polo shirt with the pier's name (Okaloosa Pier) & logo) appeared and started asking me questions about something. I was trying to be nice, but was in a hurry. He asked if I had to use the bathroom and I was like yeah (funny thing was, before he asked, I didn't have to go lol) so I told him to give me 5 mins and ran up 3 flights of stairs. when I got to the right floor, it didn't look the same. it looked so plain and not as fancy and decorative as it did before. I tried opening the 3 doors but none would open. There was a guy I knew that said the old guys left. that they sold everything and left. Thing was, it wasn't theirs to sell. It was mine, but something happened and I gave it to them. they were con artists.

So I left and when I got outside of the building, the cute pier worker was still there. I took his hand and suggested we get lunch. We walk down the Pier and get to this place that sells chili dogs and he orders. I say that I'll have the same as him because the menu is like a foreign language to me lol then I go look around the gift shop while he waiting for the food.

While I'm walking around the gift shop, I hear someone give me the cheesiest pick up line. the guy said "wow, are you a model?" I had this little smile on my face and looked up to see who it was. Not who I expected to see. Army Chris in his uniform. Not who I wanted to see. I went stone faced and walked back to the guy I was with. Chris followed me and was like "oh this is who you're with?" (he has a thing with me being with white guys) but somehow we manage to ignore him. We got our food and went to this table where some other friends were. The whole time Chris was just bragging to this guy all the stuff he and I did (it's totally something Chris would do), but the guy I was with seemed to not see or hear Chris. No one seemed to see or hear him. Just me.

then I somehow ended up in this weird car with my former best friend and her family. we were outside this really nice house in this nice neighborhood and she was bragging about how smart her daughters were.

then I woke up.

Chris is the one guy I know who could potentially ruin anything good that I had going on if he were to come back and suddenly be single. He did it with one of my high school friends, Christina, he did it when he was separated and then divorced from his wife Christina (not my high school friend). Now that he's "found the Lord" and gotten all religious, I don't know how he would be, but he has that potential to ruin me. He knows me deep inside that well that he could do that, whether I allowed him to or not.

6 words brought me to tears

my close friends know my history with guys. It's not even funny all the losers I've let into my life

But it's especially hurtful when one of the "nice" guys turns out to be the biggest snake of all.

Army Chris and Dick David don't come close to Johnny. Actually, Dick David is in his own field.

I'm getting better at this trusting my "sinking feeling" thing. It started last Wednesday, continued on to Friday, was slapped in the face with it on Sunday and today I've accepted it.

Now tell me honestly, do I have "jerks welcome" or "I'm easy" tattooed on my forehead?

I should have trusted my Oreo cookie induced dream tho...at least the relevant part of it.

See, in this dream I was in a relationship. But the guy's face kept changing between that of Johnny's and some other guy. This other guy was an okay guy, but Johnny...he was a snake. Keeping me around for some reason but never showing me attention...never really having anything to do with me. Other girls would come & go and I kind of said whatever about it. But then I finally had enough.

I don't know if it was because "Megan Fox" was the other woman or if I knew that I deserved better and had enough. But oh boy did I let him have it. And none of it even phased him. None of the stuff I threw at him, none of the words I said, phased him. He just laughed and went off with this other woman.

Then I had a dream about USC and stinging bugs in my pants. I have no idea what that was about or if it even means anything.

At 930 or so, maybe 10 pm I sent Johnny a text message asking when I'd see him again. a couple hours go by and I get a reply back. I saw the letters hor and for a split second I thought it was Dick David sending me a text about how he's horny and blah blah blah. It wasn't until I looked at the name of the sender and selected to read the text that my stomach dropped and I started to cry. I'm not going to repeat what those words were as I'd rather forget them. I'd rather forget him...that I replied to his stupid "how's life in Downey" message on pof. I just want to forget.

pushy clingy man is pushy clingy

I thought I was going to have a date (my FIRST ONE in 3 years!) this weekend or next weekend, but the guy was pushing exclusive dating too much. Like from 1st date on we'd only date each other with the idea of it becoming a relationship.

I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. I don't get asked on dates (at all really) and I don't want to be exclusive with someone I'll be meeting for the first time. and this guy's "old fashion gentleman" ways was being too pushy for me.

fine, whatever. I took him off my messenger friends list, removed his number from my phone, deleted all e-mails to and from him and deleted his e-mail from my address book

what REALLY creeped me out was that he showed my pictures to people he worked with and told them we were working on a relationship and he said they said we'd make a cute couple.

*SHUDDERS* to think, I was going to send my resume to him so he could forward it to the human resources department of the company he works for...he'd have access to my home address and phone number.

guess i won't be going out next week for my birthday after all. oh well.

I've got a crush on you

Today I’ve been thinking a bit about internet crushes. For as long as I’ve been on the internet (13 or 14 years), I can only remember having TWO internet crushes. One of them I’ve gotten over in the last 2 or 3 months and the other just started in the last few weeks.

Crush #1: When I speak about him, I can’t call him by the “name” I usually do because that would totally give away who he is. I will say he’s not from these parts of the USA. We’ve had some really interesting conversations in a few years that we’ve been friends. I’ve thought, on more than one occasion, of shelling out the money to go see him. I know the crush wasn’t one sided…at least I think it wasn’t. I would have totally been in a relationship with him if the thousands of miles weren’t an issue. But now…going to see him is kind of out of the question. We don’t talk anymore and he’s in a relationship (which I’m just a tiny bit jealous about). But whateva.

Crush #2: I know him but I don’t know him so I don’t think I’m to full blow crush mode. Maybe something like infatuation? I don’t know. I haven’t yet thought of a name for him. I call him by his name when I talk to my BFF, but in here (if I ever mention him again) I don’t know what to call him. He’s a good looking guy. His friend speaks very highly of him and he’s another guy who is hard to talk about without giving anything away.

The internet use to be a hell of a lot bigger than it seems to be lately. Maybe I put too much of myself out there. Probably both. But this internet crush thing won’t be going away any time soon. They’ll come and go like the tides. It may not be the same guys; a woman might pop up in the mix (I really doubt that though).

I just crush too easily and read more into things than I should.