Hmmm

I posted this question of sorts on twitter, but I want to expand/ramble on about it here. Just to get mt thoughts out and maybe try to figure out why I do what I do and I'm so secretive, despite how much of myself I put out for others to see. this also isn't going to flow in any kind of order. it's just me getting my thoughts out as they come to me.

what does this say about my relationship w/my family: I worry more about not living up to the expectations of my friends than my family

read any number of entries in my journal and a blind man could see that I don't have all that great a relationship with my parents & sister. I think more so my father & sister's kids than anything. could it be because at 27 yrs old I still live at home with my parents and work under min wage (technically speaking) and have no desire to change either. probably, more like absolutely. very so often I'll look at apartments & jobs in other states and it looks like I'm moving in the right direction towards "growing up" but that's just wishful thinking.

I have some heavy stuff on my mind. I eluded to some of it in one of the communities I belong to but what I'd really like to do is to be able to open up completely to someone without them lecturing me about how what I did was wrong and blah blah blah. I do that to myself enough. I KNOW the things I've done were so completely wrong I wouldn't be friends with me, but I'd still like to have ONE person truly in my corner...no matter how stupid my actions are.

the daughter of one of my friends, who I guess is also my friend...or started out that way...well she made a comment to me one day, and parts of kind of stuck with me. she said she has her friends she goes out with all the time/does stuff with, then she has friends like me, who haha on me, I'm the only one, who she knows will ALWAYS be there for her. I guess that's good and all, but wouldn't it be good to also do stuff with the friend who's always going to be there...I mean, just so she knows she's not the only one working to make the friendship work?

I think that's why my friendship with Crystal ended. sure we did stuff together. church stuff and that's a whole other story for another time. but ultimately her life became more about church & her family (which is understandable) and I was left hanging there. for a good 3 years I would call on her kids birthday, her birthday, around the date of her husband's birthday (I honestly never knew the EXACT date) and their anniversary. Crystal & I had been friends since I was 4 and she was 3. in 2000 (right when things went south I guess) that was my longest friendship. 14 years. that's a long time. and for maybe 7 yrs after that I continued to try and do things with the friendship that she just wasn't putting the effort towards.

There's this same cycle with other people I'd considered friends and I know myself well enough to know that I'd always consider them a friend.

this is me ending this because I'm tearing up now.