Hmmm

I posted this question of sorts on twitter, but I want to expand/ramble on about it here. Just to get mt thoughts out and maybe try to figure out why I do what I do and I'm so secretive, despite how much of myself I put out for others to see. this also isn't going to flow in any kind of order. it's just me getting my thoughts out as they come to me.

what does this say about my relationship w/my family: I worry more about not living up to the expectations of my friends than my family

read any number of entries in my journal and a blind man could see that I don't have all that great a relationship with my parents & sister. I think more so my father & sister's kids than anything. could it be because at 27 yrs old I still live at home with my parents and work under min wage (technically speaking) and have no desire to change either. probably, more like absolutely. very so often I'll look at apartments & jobs in other states and it looks like I'm moving in the right direction towards "growing up" but that's just wishful thinking.

I have some heavy stuff on my mind. I eluded to some of it in one of the communities I belong to but what I'd really like to do is to be able to open up completely to someone without them lecturing me about how what I did was wrong and blah blah blah. I do that to myself enough. I KNOW the things I've done were so completely wrong I wouldn't be friends with me, but I'd still like to have ONE person truly in my corner...no matter how stupid my actions are.

the daughter of one of my friends, who I guess is also my friend...or started out that way...well she made a comment to me one day, and parts of kind of stuck with me. she said she has her friends she goes out with all the time/does stuff with, then she has friends like me, who haha on me, I'm the only one, who she knows will ALWAYS be there for her. I guess that's good and all, but wouldn't it be good to also do stuff with the friend who's always going to be there...I mean, just so she knows she's not the only one working to make the friendship work?

I think that's why my friendship with Crystal ended. sure we did stuff together. church stuff and that's a whole other story for another time. but ultimately her life became more about church & her family (which is understandable) and I was left hanging there. for a good 3 years I would call on her kids birthday, her birthday, around the date of her husband's birthday (I honestly never knew the EXACT date) and their anniversary. Crystal & I had been friends since I was 4 and she was 3. in 2000 (right when things went south I guess) that was my longest friendship. 14 years. that's a long time. and for maybe 7 yrs after that I continued to try and do things with the friendship that she just wasn't putting the effort towards.

There's this same cycle with other people I'd considered friends and I know myself well enough to know that I'd always consider them a friend.

this is me ending this because I'm tearing up now.

I'm a PC and i think I need a new browser

Since Saturday night I haven't been able to access my yahoo email, then facebook, then twitter...and who knows what other websites, using Firefox.

so I saved my bookmarks (I'm sure there's probably a thousand of them), uninstalled FF, restarted the computer and reinstalled it. That didn't help. I still can't access the previous places and what's this? I can't type addresses in the address bar to go to other websites.

now this is where I'm at. I don't feel safe using IE (been hammered in my head that it's easier for viruses to get through), but it's the only other browser I have on my laptop that I can access the websites I need/want to go to.

so my question to my friends list is this: what browser are you using, do you like it and would you recommend I try it out (I'd be willing to do so for a month)

until then, I'll continue to use IE (and FF when I can)

I miss East Middle of 14 yrs ago

wow, it has been that long since I set foot on the campus of my old middle school!

Today my nephew was promoted from 8th to 9th grade. I feel kind of old. it looked the same, but different at the same time lol

I will also think twice before dismissing my nephew when he says he doesn't like someone (teacher or administrator) for whatever reason. the Principal was a grade A jerk! First he said no cheering whatsoever while they read the names because they had like 400 something students names to read. for the most part, people followed that, but then a couple people would cheer and the student they were cheering for was DENIED THEIR CERTIFICATE! okay, action, consequence. I get that. but he wasn't doing it on a consistent basis. apparently my nephew is kind of popular so when his name was said, HIS FELLOW CLASSMATES CHEERED, NOT HIS FAMILY AND HE WAS DENIED HIS CERTIFICATE! my sister was pissed! I get why she was upset up every other time someone cheered and we heard but not the principal and nothing happened, she went on and on about it!

the ceremony ended and my sister waited a while to cool down before going to talk to the principal (and he had to be found) and she explained what happened and he was all, "I'm sorry. I tried to do the best I could" and blah blah blah "come on MONDAY to pick up his certificate." School sis over for the semester on Thursday so why not then...or Friday? Why Monday. That's bull!

so yeah, I don't like him. even before I knew he was the principal there was something about him I didn't like. I think it was how he told the standing people to keep the aisle clear (for emergency purposes).

but that's all over with. I bought my nephew his yearbook since they weren't going to be able to afford it, and tomorrow he's going to Knott's Berry Farm with the other promoted students.

We went to IHOP for, what should have been breakfast, but they were so busy that we didn't get & eat our ordered food until after noon! But it was good and I'm full.

Here it is later and I'm back!

This will mean nothing, unless you really want to know me better.

8 things about me
1) My favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate
2) My favorite type of music is country (though I do listen to ALL KINDS)
3) The cell phone network I use is T-Mobile (hello! it's pink!)
4) Depending on the sex of my child, I would either name him Gareth Daniel or name her Catherine Leigh (and should I have more children, I have a whole list of names lol)
5) When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher. In high school I thought about going into law enforcement and as I finished college I thought about being a lawyer. now I'd just be happy with a full time job!
6) In my nearly 27 years on Earth, I have had 3 boyfriends: M when I was 16, D & B in my early 20s (early 20s sounds weird considering I'm only 26.9 year old or something lol but I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 23)
7) My favorite pizza topping is pepperoni (though bbq chicken is growing on me)
8) My favorite Disney character(s) are Mickey & Minnie Mouse

what's that? more to come later

Neglected

I should really stop neglecting this place, but honestly it isn't on my radar and I don't think anyone reads this. So really, what is the point?

I have several blog "series" I need to finish some kind of way but I don't feel like it. The time for them has come and gone. Though I think my friend one can easily be revived, but it's a matter of really wanting to.

And my life? It's a big bore fest. By choice I don't work enough (there isn't all that much work to do in the first place).

California has been shaken up so much the last few weeks it's crazy! I was almost "trapped" in my bathroom too! That would have been something.

Had a job interview that I don't feel went well. Arrived late due to a car accident (I wasn't involved as I was on the bus) and had no way of contacting the interviewer. Did some waiting around which kind of grated on my nerves but I sucked it up and dealt with it. This week I should hear something. Positive or negative I'd like to hear something.

Unexpected visit from Dick-D & his wife. That was unexpected and will never happen again. Dick-D also continues to txt me and it's annoying at bed. Recently it was like being in elementary school all over again with the txt messages we were exchanging.

d: do you like me?
me: you're ok.
d: but do you like me?
me: atm you're pissing me off.
d: ok. but do you like me?
me: NO! LEAVE ME ALONE

I guess he took the leave me alone to heart. Haven't heard back from him. *knocks on wood*

Found out that Dick-C has remarried and leading a good Christian life.I'm finding it hard to believe that people change [bad to good, but good to bad can totally happen] (maybe it's because I see that I don't change?). And for all the jumping and shouting and trying to convince that they've changed comes off as very fake to me. Hypocrite just screams in my head (again because I see that I am also being a hypocrite as well).

Every so often I think about Dick-B because well, he did nothing wrong (other than had no motivation but for sex) and I ended things giving a pretty lame excuse. Then I tried to rectify the whole thing but he blew me off. I guess I deserved that, but still. NOT COOL!

more to come later...